The Entertainment Lawyer

The first weekend after shooting my very first Barely Legal scene, my Hollywood producer friend, Amanda, and I attended a party of some even bigger Hollywood producer up in his palatial estate in the West Hollywood Hills.  I was flirting with a very attractive entertainment lawyer.  I was always good with flirting.  And things were going well. I was sure I would give him my number.  Then, he stumped me with the question, "What do you do for a living?"  

"I'm a director."  

"Anything I've seen?"

Sebastian was in talks with some large studio at the time to sell our independent movie, but had not yet heard back... welcome to Hollywood.  So, I listed the names of my actors, which didn't seem to get much of a rise out of him.  

"What are you working on next?"

I didn't want to seem like a loser who didn't have the next script in the can, and so, I told him. "I'm directing a movie for Hustler."  

"Hustler?  As in Larry Flynt Hustler?"  He was suddenly practically bouncing out of his khakis, as if he had hit the jack-pot.

I confirmed that was the Hustler.  And before I knew it he had five of his hot male attorney and producer and somebody's brother at Harvard friends surrounding me, asking me all sorts of questions about porn and all vying for my attention.  I had experienced male attention before, but this was male attention on speed times five.  Then, the entertainment lawyer wanted to know if he could be in one of my movies.  "I'd have to see the goods."  I laughed to myself.

"Are you going to get me hard?"

"No, I'm not going to get you hard."  The answer probably would have been very different if we were alone, and some form of dating had been established.  

"That's not a fair audition."

"You can go in the bushes and do what you need to do."  That was what I learned the boys who wanted to be in movies could do... really easily.  Of course, I didn't really expect this guy to do it.  But, his buddies started egging him on.

"Where's the fluffer?" He asked hopefully.

"If you can't do it... " I had no idea what I was talking about.  I didn't even know if I should get a fluffer for the next shoot... mental note: ask my newly discovered godfather of porn, Simon Wolf, about fluffers.  I was simply enjoying the flirting... on speed times five.  Then, before I knew it, the lawyer was in he bushes and came back with his pants down and his erect penis pointing right at me.  

Amanda had been standing a distance away, in the same old same old circles of shmoozing for a bit, when I suddenly saw her b-lining her way toward me.  Yet, there was no way to stop the other guys from all running into the bushes.  Just as the lawyer was pulling up his pants under the shadows that night should give, and the glow of thousands of miles of electricity reflecting from a layer of finely tuned desert smog, making hiding anything entirely all too difficult in Los Angeles, Amanda was on top of me.  "What are you doing?" 

"Nothing.  Just talking."

"Don't get all porno on me."  Her Catholic upbringing was preferring I kept such sessions contained to Confession in a tiny wooden box.  

The lawyer suddenly chimed in, staring at her large breasts.  "Are those real?"  

And as Amanda's jaw was dropping, out jumped five men with their pants around their ankles and cocks standing at attention.  "Who's the winner?"  

Amanda grabbed my arm and it was evident were were going home... with five men with their pants down still following us to Amanda's car, pleading to know the winner and begging to be in my next movie.  

During the quiet car ride, I thought how happy I was that I didn't give my number to that entertainment lawyer who was definitely not the winner.  I laughed out loud.  Amanda smiled, "So, who was the winner?"  

I smiled back.  "The girl I shot last week who had the biggest clit I'd ever seen.  I was ready to yell, "Cut", because I was suddenly worried I had hired a transgender.  Have you ever really looked at another woman's vagina?"  

"I have no interest."  She changed the buttons on the stereo and we were suddenly jamming out to "The Cure."